My Poem/Song Thingie

Promises don't seem

to make it through these days

And I know I can't make

all these problems go away

But I can stand here

for all tomorrow and today

i'll stay

When life seems to be okay

then grabs you from behind

Like a horror film playin

deep inside your mind

When nothing seems to work out

and things wont be okay

i'll stay

When miracles 

are hard to come by

And I see the soft panic

in the back of your eyes

And i dont know if tomorrow will be okay

i'll stay

Life aint supposed to be simple

it's easy to fall away

When the night is endless

and never comes a day

When the devil holds out his hand

and demands to be paid

i'll stay

I know, I know, "what was she thinking?", right?

So.  I'm planning on leaving for Utah on Monday.  I'd leave this week, but I'm kind of super excited about my lesson on Sunday (I'm giving it), I need to quit my "job", and my car needs an oil change BIG TIME before I leave.  I'm also planning on checking my tire pressure before I leave, which sounds dull and stupid to everyone who KNOWS how to do it, but will be new for me :).

Things I'll miss about SD:  ELSKE!, my friends and family, my lovely room with all its stuff and space and privacy, my church calling, the amazing working out weather, and did I mention Elske?

However, with all these things to miss, I'm still VERY excited with the fact that I just might be able to get a job up there.  Apparently, a lot of places are still hiring, while down here, my job wont give me any hours because business is SLOW (very).

So right when everything else in my life was shaping up, I have to go and mix it up- all for a job and money so I can GET BACK TO SCHOOL!!  

My goal is to get into BYU, BYUID, or LDSBC (last resort) by April (summer semester) and finally finish.  I'm also writing a book and my other goal is to keep up my momentum.

So I'm leaving.  I'm excited to get on with my life and absolutely terrified of leaving something that was just about to work out (aka job & love).  But I cant sit here waiting any more- I gotta make something happen. gah!

My Jaded and Faded Month

January was (and is i guess) a shaky month.  

the fact that everyone *including myself* is getting over the holiday rush must have contributed to  my jaded attitude when it comes to housework, cooking, and the overall "doing" of anything to be done.  

because my lovely work had decided to drop all my hours (i've gotten 2 1/2 in the past 4 WEEKS), I've had a ridiculously large amount of free time on my hands; however, instead of increasing my productivity, it's pretty much squashed it.  maybe it's the fact that my life is one giant black hole, or it's me.

i'm starting to think it's me.....

just kidding.  i knew it was me all along :)

dangit

anyways, i think i'm going to blame bones.  no, not the show (even though it's my favorite :D )

but actual bones.  

you see, it all comes down to elske and her bones.  (elske is my CUTEST dog but more importantly my walking and jogging and sprinting and whatever buddy)  she got arthritis or hip displasia or both.  she's always limping and sore and is much less fun (but i love her just as much).  but now it's hard for me to go on my daily hour long walks that made me so happy before.  i'm not lazy (about that) but i just cant LEAVE for a walkie when shes looking at me all sad and uncomprehending and then does that puppy face.......  mmmmffff  sosad....

so i havent been exercising as much and my body (although not too spongy) is missing the endorphin boost.  

i also blame me for, you know, slacking.  

i really dont see an endpoint and i dont have a direction for my future right now so i'm feeling rather unmotivated (but guilt still works).

so january sucks.  i cant find a new job in sd.  i dont have enough $ to move away from sd.

i cant stand not having a job.  i cant stand cleaning and cooking anymore.  i cant stand for living in filth either.  

i dont know.

Why I Hate The Holidays

So *confession* i AM a scrouge when it comes to the holiday season, and here's why:

i started out with a cold.... for 2 weeks ( i still have remnants of it) and then i got the flu.  all during the holidays, when the house is jam packed full of people, including 2 (but mainly 1) kiddos who CANT afford to get sick because they get put in the hospital when that happens.  

....and did i mention Christmas music and the fact that it's evil, pure EVIL.  it's like a commercial and elevator music put together on the annoyingness level. 

okay, i've explained myself and now that the holidays are OVER (yay) i can get on with my life (until this coming november at least).  it's nice to get back to normal.  elske doesnt seen to be suffering from the infrequent walks i go with her on so that's great news.  :)    (elske is my dog, in case you didnt know and she's been limping and being sore for a while now but is getting better)

I myself have been doing great this year in the exercise department.... not that you needed to know that but now you do.

SO i'm really tired which is why i'm babbling and i wish i could say i'd write later but i probably wont.  so there.  i'm going to bed now.  goodnight.  ...........................................................

She's Here, She's There, She's Everywhere!!

so i'm in sd.  and although i dont want to be, i'll be here for a while.  i was TRYING to get to salt lake for the winter 09 semester, but that's not gonna happen because i ran outta time and $$.  

there's nothing like the winter time to make you grateful for everything in your life and mainly i'm grateful for my family and friends and church.  i'm not trying for sainthood or anything, but i'm so glad for my church because without it, i wouldnt know how much Christ loves me and helps me.  it makes me want to be a better person.  :)

so i'm trying to survive.  and i'm trying HARD to make it through the holiday season with a clean house and very little stress on my mom.  she's working still so it's hard on her to have a lot on her plate.  my vendetta to clean the house will hopefully help this.

right now my main goals are:

1) get a second job with more hours

2) SAVE my money for spring college and apartment

3) go to byu provo (cringe) in the spring.

right now (sunday) i'm recovering from my first teaching experiance in sunday school. it didnt quite come out as planned, as in, not very spiritual, but i was coherent so that was a victory in my book. i was nervous and that made me babble and it's weird how things come out funnier when you're babbling.  plus *confession*  i sweat when i'm nervous and i couldnt bring myself to put my arms up.  it made putting up the signs on the whiteboard that much more awkward.  and my class was full.  which it never is.  *sigh*  it was a lot of fun but i'm glad it's over.  geez i'm sweating just thinking about it.  

so i'm nearly done with all my holiday shopping and i'm sooo happy about it :)  i'm also done with birthday presents up until feb. *pats self on shoulder*  

so i posted (finally) and that proves that yes, i'm still alive.  *pats self on shoulder again*

thE bESt dEfENSE iS A GOOd OffENSE

so i'm always so frustrated with people WHO DONT POST or UPDATE THEIR STATUS because even if their life is as boring as it sounds, it really cant be as boring as mine!  and i want to hear about the boring stuff anyways.  :)  ... and then i was thinking about how my mouse always glides on over to my blog link and never clicks on it because i never feel like writing down my boring life... and i had a big "....oh...." moment.  

that's it

so what's going on in my life?

i start my new job at victoria secret on thursday!  and i'm soooo excited, but job searching isnt over because i think i may need another job if i'm ever going to pay those stupid bills (or actually spend money on something i want!).  

but until i know for sure, i'm HERE at HOME being bored but not really- just avoiding anything i need to be doing and not going anywhere because i'm weak ^_^ and WILL spend money!  plus then i dont have to pay for gas.  

so my dad moved his office into the front bedroom which is fine because it's temp. but makes it SO much harder to pretend that i'm

a) not sleeping in until ridiculous hours

and 

b) doing something constructive with my time

oh yeah and 

c) not eating and hording/hiding any precious junk food in the house (family diet thingie) so if it's somewhat sugary at all, it's NOT AVAILABLE FOR THE RANDOM AND/OR GLUTINOUS  PILFERING BY BROTHERS THAT DO. NOT. LIVE. HERE!  that's right, they come, they eat (all the good stuff), they leave. sonotfair!

BUT 

i swear i'd do "b" if SOMEONE turned on the freaking AIR CONDITIONER ever once in a while because it's SOOOOO fricking HOT!!!!  rar. 

but seriously, it's impossible to do anything that involves moving and not taking siestas.  

oh yeah

so i'm NOT going to Utah (the place with cooler weather *sighs longfully*)

because i'm so in debt right now that it's just easier to loaf around at my parent's house and trying not to open anything that looks remotely like a bill.

on a good note.... 

i have my elske dog.  i love her! 

.:Where it Lands... No one Knows:.

so i'm trying to find a job (if you haven't gleaned that from my previous entries) and so i dont know where i'll be staying until i get one.  If i magically get one in san diego, then i'll go there- if i get one in utah.... i'll stay here.

i'm somewhat torn, though.  on one hand, i love my family and san diego and ELSKE! (my dog) and on the other i love utah's CHANGING weather and i really want my own apartment.  i also have to get my year's residency in before i can go to a university here.  

the whole thing's getting old fast.

i'm also writing a book but it's so much work.  it's frustrating b/c i'm such a perfectionist. and dont ask me what it's about!  I reveal nothing until i've finished.  it just seems cheesy otherwise *grimace* 

btw i MISS my ELSKE!!! a lot. i cant wait to finish my schooling so i can be with her again.  all this inner trauma for a dog... i'm SUCH a sucker.

with this pathetic admission, i say GOODNIGHT